Toss a little light on the subject...
Starring:
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Q: In the future...Starships will resemble VW's... but the question remains..
How many members of the *original* Enterprise does it take
to change a light bulb???!!
Answer:
Captain's Log, Stardate 5187.8. Having cleared up the diplomatic crisis on Planet Politico, the ruling party has finally agreed to air only Vw commercials.. I've managed to obtain a leave for my ship and crew. They are looking forward to this much needed vacation.
...(Scene: The Bridge, Kirk swings happily in his puffy westfalia plush delux chair..)
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, set course for the planet Prime-Campoutuis.
Sulu: Yes, sir!
(Suddenly, the ship is rocked by a violent explosion.. which causes everyone to fall out of their chairs in different directions...)
Kirk: Mr. Chekov, report on all Alien Minivans in the area.
Chekov: Negative, keptin. Sensors show no enemy wessel in sight.
Kirk: Your analysis, Mr. Spock.
Spock: I assure you, Captain, I am not operating under the influence of illicit mind-altering substances at this moment... However, if you think it necessary, regulations do stipulate that--
Kirk: I meant your analysis of the current situation.
Spock: My apologies, Captain. I am still sometimes unable to compensate for the vagaries of human enunciation. It would appear, Captain, that a visional catalyst source has malfunctioned to the critical overload stage. (Noticing Kirk's blank stare, he shakes his head almost imperceptably.) To rephrase my statement into what I believe you humans call `the vernacular': the lightblub on the left turn signal blew on the back of the ship.
Kirk: Sulu, you have the Bridge. Spock, come with me.
(Scene: Engineering. A medical team is dragging off an injured engineer in a tye dye shirt. Scotty is surveying the damage and shaking his head. He spots Kirk and Spock.)
Scotty: Ca'en, sair, seen a' th' bulb ha' burn oot, I kinna see to oper'a' me engines!
(Kirk smiles and nods.)
Kirk (whispering to Spock): What did he say?
Spock: I believe, Captain, that Mr. Scott wishes to register a complaint to the effect that there is insufficient illumination to perform the duties requisite in his capacity as Chief Engineer.
Kirk: Oh. Well, Scotty, get a spare from the storage locker?.
Spock: I fear such action would be inappropriate, Captain. Starfleet Regulation Muir-171.34c requires us to travel with a full complement of spare parts at all times. If we were to remove a bulb from storage, then we would not have a full complement, and hence be in direct violation of Muirs complete list regulatio.....
Kirk: Damn the regulations, Spock, I've got a ship with 499 people aboard to think of! At least I think there are 499; come to think of it, I've never actually seen more than a couple of dozen.... Oh well, where is the nearest source of light bulbs?
Spock: I believe the Planet Toronto-Luminus satisfies the specified parameters.
Kirk: Scotty, do we have enough power to make it to Toronto-Luminos?
Scotty: Ach, I dinna righ'ly ken, Ca'en; we're runnin' a wee bit low. However, if we go strai' thar and dinna hurry, I thin' we migh' possibly duit.
Kirk: Thank you, Scotty. Spock?
Spock: Mr. Scott has formulated the opinion that there is insufficient data for complete analysis; current fuel capacity is scarcely in excess of minimal standards. However, probability dictates our vessel has the capability to sustain the journey under the following two constraints: a direct course must be set, another quart of oil added and the ship's velocity must satisfy a maximality condition of 57.623mph.
Kirk: Then I'm afraid our little pleasure trip will have to wait.
(Scene: The Bridge. Sulu and Chekov are engaged in conversation.)
Sulu: I think it was Thomas Edison who invented the lig....
Chekov: No, you are vrong! the light bulb is a German inwention!
(Kirk and Spock enter.)
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, set a direct course for the Planet Toronto-Luminos.
Sulu (startled): But, Captain, that'll take us straight through the Canadian Neutral Zone!
Kirk: It's a risk we'll just have to take!
(Scene: Enterprise hurtling through space. Cut back to Bridge.)
Sulu: We are now approaching the planet. I guess the Canadians didn't notice us. Mind you, I did pick up funny blips on our sensors that seemed to follow us.
Kirk: Probably nothing important. Assume standard orbit.
Sulu: Aye, sir.
Kirk (punching intercom): Kirk to Supply. Supply, send down someone to get some light bulbs.
Spock: Captain, may I remind you of Starfleet Regulation 14.246.4.8.7.3b? `In order to prevent a ship from abandoning a crew-member on a planet, each landing party must contain enough high-ranking officers so that the ability of the ship to function without them is reduced below minimal standards.'
Kirk: Of course, Spock. We'll have myself, you, Dr. McCoy, and three tye-dye shirts. I'll get the doctor, you attend to the others.
(Scene: Sickbay. McCoy is tending to the injured engineer. Kirk enters.)
Kirk: Hello, Bones.
(McCoy grunts inarticulately.)
Kirk: What's the matter, Bones, aren't you going to say hello?
McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor not a OVT Camp host!! I've got sick people to attend to, do you hear me, sick people!!!! People whose very lives hang in the balance and depend upon my every action! And you come in here with such high contempt for human life that you expect me to neglect all my patients just to trade some weak social banalities!
Kirk: Come on, Bones, your only patient is this engineer who got temporarily blinded and he looks fine. How are you son?
Engineer: Gosh, sir, now that I've met you.. I'm all better! We younger crew members thrive on your god-like aura, might I add that Golden Tye-dye shirt you're wearing is astounding and...
McCoy: Oh Shut up, you suckup! I'm the doctor and I'll make the diagnoses around here! By the way, Jim, just what the hell did you want?
Kirk: I'm taking a landing party down to Toronto-Luminos and I want you along.
McCoy: What in blasted blue blazing firestarters are you thinking of, Jim? What about my patient?
Kirk: He seems to have headed back to his duties..
McCoy: Again? Damn! Why do they always do that?
Kirk: There, there, Bones. Maybe there are sick people down on the planet.
McCoy: Do you really think so? Oh, okay, I'll come. But if I don't get someone to operate on, you're next in line.
(Scene: Transporter Room. Scotty is at the controls and Spock and the Tye-dye shirts are standing on the pad. Kirk and McCoy take their places.)
Kirk: Ready to beam down. Mr. Scott, you have the con.
Scotty: Tha' ya, sair. I ha' always wanned ta gi' ordairs, but so far nay one has e'er lissend ta me.
Kirk: Sure, whatever. Energize.
(Scene: A lush jungle near rocky terrain. The landing party materializes.)
McCoy: Well, this looks like a safe enough place.
(A huge hole opens up in the ground.. and swallows one of the men in tye-dye shirts.)
Kirk: Yes, Bones, and the vegetation makes a pleasant change from the ship.
(Another guy wearing a Tye-dye shirt reaches out, touches a plant and explodes. Kirk, Spock and McCoy turn and stare expectantly at the third guy in a Tye-dye shirt. Hockey pucks come whizzing through the air and one hits his head opening a large gash. McCoy bends over and examines him, then shakes his head.)
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: Well, at least that's over with. Did anyone see where the hockey pucks came from?
Spock: Not directly, but perhaps inferentially. Analysis of relevant data yields a 99.4% probability that the fusillade emanated from that direction. (He points.) Observe the grouping of antagonistic Canadians evincing primitive projectile weaponry.
McCoy: You mean savage-looking Hockey players waving sticks! Why can't you just come out and say what you mean? Criminy, sometimes you really get on my nerves! Hey, my phaser's jammed !
Kirk: Now, Bones, you shouldn't be shooting at the natives anyway.
McCoy: Who said anything about natives? Let me borrow your phaser, Jim.
Spock: All our phasers are inoperative. It would appear to be a combined result of local atmospheric and geologic conditions. Or possibly the Canadian's tacky hairdos?...
(Scene: The Bridge. Scotty enters and sits in the captain's chair.)
Scotty: Sta'us rap'ort'.
Sulu: Hunh? What'd he say?
Chekov (excitedly): Comrade Scott! My sensors indicate an approaching Canadian wessel. It is trawelling straight for us and mooffing wery fast. I vould have reported it earlier, but I had a hard time thinking of a sentence vith enough wee's and double-oo's to comically mispronounce.
Scotty: Ta'e us oot a arbit an the dibble!
Sulu: I hope he said to get the hell out of here, `cause that's what I'm doing!
(Scene:The Enterprise leaves orbit. Unfortunately, three other Candian ships decloak around them. A Canadian admiral appears on screen.)
Admiral: Intruders, we have found you in direct violation of
the accords governing travel through our Neutral Zone. Under the
rules of the accords, your ship and entire beer supply is now
forfeit to us, eh. Are you prepared to surrender, or
will we be forced to destroy you hosers?
(Scene: The planet. The Canadians are approaching and encircling the landing party.)
Kirk: Well, looks like it's time to get out of here. (flipping open communicator) Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk to Enterprise...
(Kirk shakes his head and closes the communicator. He nods to Spock and McCoy and they begin to fight the Canadians. Kirk's shirt gets torn. They manage to knock out five or six, but are overwhelmed and captured.)
Kirk: Wait ! Like Peace man!!We mean you no harm.
(The Canadians turn and look at their fallen comrades, then look back at Kirk.)
Kirk: Uh...
(The one with the tackiest hair moves forward.)
Chieftan: You do not belong to my Tribe, eh. You are now our prisoners!
Kirk: Listen. We are members of the Starship Enterprise. Our seemingly never-ending mission is to explore strange new worlds, seek out new campgrounds and strangly-dressed weirdos, cute alien hippy ingenues.. to boldly--
Chieftan: Take off!! Our tribe is bored by pompous talk,eh.
Spock: Logic suggests that we should not attempt further action until we obtain more data.
Kirk: Excuse me, Spock, but you keep saying `probability dictates' and `logic suggests'. Shouldn't it be the other way around?
Spock: Fascinating. I will have to further explore this idiosyncratic linguistic anomaly. Meanwhile, I believe I may be able to simplify the current situation. I shall now ascertain which aspect of Earth's cultural history these people mirror completely except of course for one minor but nonetheless significant difference. Tribal Chieftan, how do you live?
Chieftan: We are a free people. We travel much, eh.. live off the land. We hunt moose for food and brew our own beer. We weave these plants to make our own clothes and manufacture light bulbs for religious purposes...to illuminate our shrines.
McCoy: Light bulbs? Great! We'll take a dozen.
Chieftan: Sacrilege! eh!!1 You will all die painfully for this on the Altar of of God LaBatt's shrine at noon tommorrow. Over there.
(The Chieftan points to a hut that resemble a local downtown bar, complete with tacky illuminated signs..)
Kirk: Well, Bones, you've put your foot in it now. We..We Must get one of those lightbulbs.. We need a distraction.. Hey, Chief, are there any scantily-clad ingenues on this planet? Just thought I'd ask.
Chieftan: Why, yes, my daughter Patti is one. Here she comes now.
(Enter a gorgeous brunette with perfect teeth wearing a fur bikini and way too much blue eye make-up. Switch to soft focus. She catches sight of Kirk...he saunters up to her..)
Kirk: Why.. Hello...
Patti: No man has ever spoken to me with such tender beauty. Oh, kiss me, kiss me passionately, Stranger! Father, you can go ahead and disembowel the other intruders... but..but spare this one if you would spare your daughter.
(switch to regular focus)
Chieftan: Go to your hut Patti.. we will talk later, eh. Bring the prisoners to the Death cave where my son lies. They will stay there while the sacrificial altar is made ready and we have a few more brewskies, eh... Perhaps they will find my son Doug fitting company during the hours of preparation we must untake...
Kirk: Listen! I am Captain James T. Kirk of the USVW ship Enterprise and I demand you release us.
Chieftan: take off hoser!! Your titles mean nothing here.
(Scene: A gloomy cave. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are standing by a boulder that has sealed off the entrance. the guards are outside chatting)
Guard #1: So..eh..you think we'll win the cup next year?
Guard #2: We'd better or ther'll be more riots and pillaging and looting and stuff eh?
Guard#1: I kinda like that stuff, I got my wing mirror from the last raid we did...Hey.. We can go camping afterwards, do some ice fishin', wrestle a few bears, slap a few pucks about eh?
Guard#2: Great eh!! I'll bring the cooler N brewskies..
Guard#1: Will your VW haul that much? eh? ..
Guard#2: You hoser!! course it will.. I had it double tweekie-tourqued at the last campout by A.J!!
Guard#!: Take off!!! You did not!!
Guard#2: Did too, eh!!
(Scene: The guards drop their gloves and get into a fist fight outside the cave... meanwhile inside.. Kirk has the Cassette recorder...The light cracking thru the cave door illuminates his eyes..desperation!!)
Captain's Log, Stardate 5188.2. I have made contact with a Native named Patti. She's a foxy brunette and she's really hot for me. Well, come to think of it....They all are. I sometimes wonder: Is it my good looks, my terrific personality, my glorious acting ability, the way my tye-dye always rips somewhere..? Not that I really care; just so long as they know the score. Oh, also Dr. McCoy, First Officer Spock and myself beamed down to Toronto-Luminos in attempt to secure much needed light bulbs and are trapped in a cave awaiting sacrifice at the hands of the Barbaric Canadians while the Enterprise appears to have left planetary orbit.
McCoy (eagerly pointing): Look, Jim!! it's a sick guy! Oh boy,Oh boy!! This is great! (adopting a professional tone..) There, there son. I'm a doctor and I'm here to help you. What seems to be the trouble?
Doug: (moaning): I have...a splinter in my hand. The pain is unbarable and I cannot hold my hockey stick..which is fatal to the people in our tribe. Our witchdoctors have searched...many generations -- aaagh (winces in pain) -- for a cure, but have not found one. Do -- ungh -- do you have the knowledge and medical skill to remove it?
McCoy: Astounding! Our culture solved that problem centuries ago. Now I'm just a simple country doctor with advanced surgical training and high-tech equipment, but I'll have you cured in no time. Here eat one of these..
(McCoy sets to work, he hands Doug a Cherry. Doug passes out from the potent little beastie and McCoy pulls the slinter out and puts it in a test tube for further anaylisis, and Kirk turns to Spock.)
Kirk: Let's see, the Chieftan made a remark that we would have an hour until the sacrifice. How much time do we have left?
Spock: I would estimate about 7 minutes 17.45642672547.... seconds.
Kirk (amused): Thank you, Spock. I don't suppose you could come up with a `rough sketch' of an escape plan?
Spock: Actually, Captain, I have formulated 13 different plans of escape, with probabilities of success ranging from near certainty to 342,984.6 to 1 against. However, extrapolation based on estimated psychological profiles suggests that none of them would involve another passionate interlude between Patti and yourself.
Kirk (pounding his fist on a rock): Well, then, we'll JUST have to FIND another way! There must BE( dramatic pause) ....another way.
(Scene:The boulder moves and Canadians enter.)
Chieftan: Now, strangers, we disembowel you, eh. We will start with the one my daughter has the hots for.
Doug: Look, father, I'm better!
Chieftan: Doug! The strangers have healed you! EH!! Strangers, you must possess great mystic powers. In gratitude for returning my son to life, I free you and give you a dozen sacred light bulbs. You who can perform such miracles will be worthy caretakers.
(A witchdoctor grudgingly hands over some light bulbs. Suddenly, Kirk's communicator beeps. He flips it open.)
Uhura: Enterprise to Captain Kirk, Enterprise to Captain Kirk.
Kirk: Yes, Token Female Communications Officer Uhura, we read you.
Uhura: We are back in orbit and ready to receive you.
Kirk: Acknowledged. Stand by to beam us aboard.
(Switch to soft focus. Patti enters and flings herself on Kirk.)
Patti: Say you won't go!
Kirk: I'm sorry, Patti.. You're a hip chick but I have to go. I have other, greater responsibilities.
Patti: (wiping away tears): I understand. But I will always remember you! I will remember you until this jungle withers away. (She kisses him passionately.) I will remember you until the mountains become flat. (Another passionate kiss.) I will remember you until the stars shine no more in the night sky. (A final long firm kiss, reluctantly tearing her lips away.)
Kirk: Yes, and I'll remember you babe.. Can your father bring you to the next Tribal gathering at planet Prime-Campoutuis.??
Patti: Yes, yes. oh yes!!! (she smiles and lets Kirks arm go.)
Kirk: (winks) .. Energize.
(Scene: The Bridge, regular focus. Kirk is back in the captain's chair, with McCoy, Spock, and Scotty gathered around.)
Kirk: Tell me, Scotty, how did you escape the Canadian battleships?
Scotty: I dinna rightly ken, sair. I star'e' ta try an' negotia' wi' 'em, an' th' Candi' ns, I sent ov'r a jar of ch'err'ies n sudd'ly the main sceen went bla'nk n awe we heard wus laffin'.. They left.. I must tak' the bulb ta en'ga'neerin' now cap'n.. I've gotta ship ta save!!
Kirk: Uh, whatever. (begins scratching.) Ugh. What it is, Bones?
McCoy (also scratching): Apparently we all picked up a minor rash on the planet. It should go away in a couple of hours as soon as we get across the Neutral zone, but it'll be extremely uncomfortable.
Spock: I appear to be unaffected, Gentlemen.
McCoy: Damn that green blood of yours!
Kirk: Now, Bones, settle down.
Chekov: We have another emergency Keptin..
Kirk: Yes, Mr. Chekov, what is it?
Chekov: Keptin, my chair by the veapons console has lost a ballbearing and von't rewolve anymore. I can't reach this dashboard button..
Kirk: Don't worry, Chekov, we'll take care of it and get a new ballbearing right away. Mr. Sulu, set course for the planet Spare-Metallicus.
(The ship USVW Enterprise zooms off to another adventure, Captain Kirk sits in the Captains chair..admiring the pattern in his new Gold Tye-dye shirt, his crew's shirts blending in the background...Jerry Garcia starts to play on the intercom and a hippy chick brings Kirk his Brew... The camera pans to the rear end of the ship and just before hitting warp speed, flashes 345435341667884534 VW bumper stickers on the back of the ship..Yep, yep.. .. Just another day in the life of OVT in space!!)
....oO(click on Sunny to return Home)
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